Bremner on Poodle’s Exit
May 21, 2007
Here is a report on how Bremner got Margaret Beckett to spill the beans on her colleagues by impersonating Gordon Brown.
George Carlin — Jammin’ in New York (’92)
May 16, 2007
Bomb Iran
May 7, 2007
A couple of weeks back when I saw this riveting display of John McCain’s sense of humour, I dismissed it as yet another comic performance by the Republican party’s accomplished clown, who had declared after a walk in Baghdad, accompanied by nearly a 100 US soldiers, armored humvees and 4 Apache gunships, that streets are as safe as in the US. Given the learned ignorance of British intelligentsia, it has been left to the satirists to make sense. Here is Terry Jones’s take on McCain’s latest standup.
Campaigning in Oklahoma the other day, the Republican senator John McCain was asked what should be done about Iran. He responded by singing, “Bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb Iran”, to the tune of the Beach Boys’ Barbara Ann. (Join the hilarity and see for yourself on YouTube.) How can any thinking person disagree? I mean, any country with a president who doesn’t shave properly and never wears a tie deserves what’s coming to it - a lot of American bombs, with a few British ones thrown in to ensure we don’t miss out on the ensuing upsurge in terrorism.
The problem is how to unload enough bombs on Iran before next year’s US election to bring about enough flag-waving to get the Republican party re-elected. This is essential if we are to safeguard the revenues of companies such as Halliburton - particularly at a time when the special inspector general for Iraq reconstruction is discovering what a shoddy job Halliburton has been doing. In projects at Nasiriya, Mosul and Hilla - declared successes by the US - inspectors have discovered buckled floors, crumbling concrete, failed generators and blocked sewage systems - due not to sabotage but largely to poor construction and lack of maintenance.
The trouble is that the re-election of the GOP is becoming more problematic as opinion turns against George Bush’s little invasion of Iraq. Even Saudi Arabia’s King Abdullah recently condemned the US action as “an illegal foreign occupation”; his nephew, Prince Bandar, hasn’t been returning calls for weeks.
More worrying is the plummeting popularity of the party, as White House corruption becomes ever more difficult to disguise. The LA Times reports that what Representative Thomas M Davis III called a “poisonous” environment has begun to dent fundraising - an unheard-of problem for the Republicans.
So the only solution is to bomb Iran, as Senator McCain so wisely and amusingly suggests. The real issue is whether to use regular weapons or do the job properly and go nuclear.
Nuclear bombs have the advantage of being much bigger, and they will also pollute vast swathes of Iran and make much of the country uninhabitable for years. With a bit of luck some of the fallout will sweep into Iraq and finish off the job the US and UK have begun without incurring more costs.
But the biggest advantage of nuclear weapons is that the repercussions would be so enormous, the upsurge in terrorism so overwhelming, that the world would be totally changed. A year before 9/11, Paul Wolfowitz and Lewis “Scooter” Libby signed a statement for the Project for the New American Century, a neoconservative thinktank. They rather hoped for “some catastrophic and catalysing event like a new Pearl Harbor” to kickstart their dream of a world run by US military might. A nuclear war would do the trick in spades. The Republican party could expect to stay in power for the next 50 or even 100 years.
Of course, a large proportion of the human race could be wiped out in the process, but that shouldn’t be a problem as long as there are anti-radiation suits for White House and Pentagon staff. Such a shake-up would give the US a golden opportunity to corner what’s left of the world’s oil reserves.
In 1955 Albert Einstein and Bertrand Russell said the world was faced by a “stark and dreadful and inescapable” choice: “Shall we put an end to the human race; or shall mankind renounce war?” Senator McCain wasn’t bothered by such questions; the human race may be standing on a precipice, but the Republicans have a chance of permanent re-election
Nuggets from US Media
April 30, 2007
Life, Limb — and iPod
April 17, 2007
Tony Blair wanted to retaliate for the humiliation at the hands of Ahmadinejad, instead he has succeeded in subjecting the poor soldiers to the kind of psychological torture that he claims they received in the hands of the Iranians. The lame tale his spindoctors prepared for the marines to read out has only opened them up for ridicule, perhaps for the rest of their lives. [Thanks Dave]
He claimed his Iranian captors called him Mr Bean, flicked the back of his neck with their forefingers and thumb and forced him to wear a fake Hugo Boss shirt.
Yesterday, 20-year-old operator maintainer Arthur Batchelor may have begun to rue selling his story to the Daily Mirror - at least, if he has seen two unofficial forces websites, the Rum Ration and the British Army Rumour Service.
Frequented by serving and former military personnel, they are throbbing with debate over the behaviour of the 15 members of the navy and Royal Marines abducted by Iran. All of them come in for criticism, but the greatest ire is reserved for Mr Batchelor and his colleague Leading Seaman Faye Turney.
One said of Ms Turney, who sold her tale to the Sun: “Made me squirm when she said in the Scum … ‘President of Iran gave me a toy doll for my daughter and am keeping it after the bomb disposal experts cleared it’ Believe me dear, the Iranians don’t need to get any more publicity from blowing up you or anyone else … you’re providing the publicity for them free!”
Another said: “Her shipmate [Batchelor] didn’t do the reputation of servicemen much good either! Being broken by being called Mr Bean FFS!!! - that must be on a par with Monty Python’s Spanish Inquisition and the comfy cushions!”
Mr Batchelor comes in for particular contempt because he told the Daily Mirror of his misery at losing his iPod, which he says was stolen by the Iranians. “What I wish to know is why a young lad on a boarding party detail needed to take his iPod? If he listened to The Ride of the Valkyries as he sped towards the target ship, what did he listen to on his trip to Iran?” asks one Rum Ration poster.
The responses: “Crying, by Don McLean, perhaps?”; “The Beat Surrender, Always look on the bright side of life?”, “Onward Christian Soldiers?”.
A forum moderator said being called Mr Bean is a compliment. “Mr Bean, as I’ve just been reliably informed, is to Iranians what Norman Wisdom was to Albanians. A seriously fanatical (ho-ho) following.”
As far as most users of the sites are concerned, Iran’s president, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, has won the public relations battle hands down. The episode also continued to cause discomfort in Downing Street yesterday, when Number 10 tried to cover up the extent to which the prime minister had been informed - either by the defence secretary, Des Browne, or senior naval officials - of the disastrous plan to allow the naval personnel to sell their stories to the media.
Bremner, Bird and Fortune
April 4, 2007
Between Iraq and a Hard Place
Beneath Iraq and a Hard Place
Beyond Iraq and a Hard Place
Some More Episodes
Rory Bremner as Ahmadinejad
April 4, 2007
Please Call Him Sir
March 31, 2007
Bono has been named “a Knight Commander of the Most Excellent Order of the British Empire” at a ceremony where a message was read out from none other than Tony Blair, a man who knows something about titles, since he has been handing them out at bargain basement rates.
The ‘Empire’ doesn’t exist of course, but the knighthoods are still handed out generously. For some such an endorsement from the establishment — given its overall pernicious influence – would come as an insult. Bono, who has spent all his early life cultivating the image of a rebel (just as he has spent the latter kissing executive arse), clearly felt a need to subdue his exuberance to feign residual rebelliousness — he asked people not to call him ‘Sir’. But as a close associated of the already (be)knighted Bob Geldof, he is no doubt aware that as an Irish citizen, he can’t be called ‘Sir’ anyway since the “honor is reserved for citizens of the United Kingdom or British Commonwealth countries”. But saying it makes it appear as if he somehow resents such pretentious titles.
What a pompous ass! I wish someone would give him that Nobel and shut him up.
Argument Clinic
March 31, 2007
The Day Satire Became Obsolete
March 29, 2007
From the Washington Post, March 1, 2002
“President Bush has dispatched a shadow government of about 100 senior civilian managers to live and work secretly outside Washington, activating for the first time long-standing plans to ensure survival of federal rule after catastrophic attack on the nation’s capital. [...]
“Officials who are activated for what some of them call “bunker duty” live and work underground 24 hours a day, away from their families.[...]
“The two sites of the shadow government make use of local geological features to render them highly secure. They are well stocked with food, water, medicine and other consumable supplies, and are capable of generating their own power.”
From 1964’s “Dr. Strangelove, or, How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb,” by Stanley Kubrick, script by Terry Southern.
DR. STRANGELOVE Mr. President, I would not rule out the chance to preserve a nucleus of human specimens. It would be quite easy… heh heh… At the bottom of ah… some of our deeper mineshafts. The radioactivity would never penetrate a mine some thousands of feet deep. And in a matter of weeks, sufficient improvements in dwelling space could easily be provided.
PRESIDENT MUFFLEY How long would you have to stay down there?
DR. STRANGELOVE Well let’s see now ah… cobalt thorium G… Radioactive halflife of uh, … hmm.. I would think that uh… possibly uh… one hundred years.
PRESIDENT MUFFLEY You mean, people could actually stay down there for a hundred years?
DR. STRANGELOVE It would not be difficult mein Fuhrer! Nuclear reactors could, heh… I’m sorry. Mr. President. Nuclear reactors could provide power almost indefinitely. Greenhouses could maintain plantlife. Animals could be bred and slaughtered. A quick survey would have to be made of all the available mine sites in the country. But I would guess… that ah, dwelling space for several hundred thousands of our people could easily be provided.
PRESIDENT MUFFLEY Well I… I would hate to have to decide.. who stays up and.. who goes down.
DR. STRANGELOVE Well, that would not be necessary Mr. President. It could easily be accomplished with a computer. And a computer could be set and programmed to accept factors from youth, health, sexual fertility, intelligence, and a cross section of necessary skills. Of course it would be absolutely vital that our top government and military men be included to foster and impart the required principles of leadership and tradition. (Slams down left fist. Right arm rises in stiff Nazi salute.) Arrrrr! (restrains right arm with left) Naturally, they would breed prodigiously, eh? There would be much time, and little to do. But ah with the proper breeding techniques and a ratio of say, ten females to each male, I would guess that they could then work their way back to the present gross national product within say, twenty years.
PRESIDENT MUFFLEY But look here doctor, wouldn’t this nucleus of survivors be so grief stricken and anguished that they’d, well, envy the dead and not want to go on living?
DR. STRANGELOVE No sir… (His right arm rolls his wheelchair backwards.) Excuse me.(He struggles with wayward right arm, ultimately subduing it with a beating from his left.) Also when… when they go down into the mine everyone would still be alive. There would be no shocking memories, and the prevailing emotion will be one of nostalgia for those left behind, combined with a spirit of bold curiosity for the adventure ahead! Ahhhh! (Right arm reflexes into Nazi salute. He pulls it back into his lap and beats it again. Gloved hand attempts to strangle him.)
GENERAL TURGIDSON Doctor, you mentioned the ration of ten women to each man. Now, wouldn’t that necessitate the abandonment of the so called monogamous sexual relationship, I mean, as far as men were concerned?
DR. STRANGELOVE Regrettably, yes. But it is, you know, a sacrifice required for the future of the human race. I hasten to add that since each man will be required to do prodigious… service along these lines, the women will have to be selected for their sexual characteristics which will have to be of a highly stimulating nature.
COMRADE DESADESKI I must confess, you have an astonishingly good idea there, Doctor.
[From Counterpunch]
